I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
