Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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