If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I think i got beer on your cat.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
