I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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