I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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