everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
