seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
