im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
