How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
