The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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