I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
