dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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