I think i peed on brittanys purse
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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