I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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