dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
