I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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