The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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