guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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