Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
