don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
