he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
whose ass print is on the piano?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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