My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
