I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
