After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
