She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
