i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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