oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
