We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
