I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
