The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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