Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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