its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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