I smell stomach acid.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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