I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
