I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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