It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
