Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
