i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
