Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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