my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
