she woke up with a sticky ear
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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