So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
