Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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