whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
