It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
