can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
