That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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