I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
