My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
