After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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