nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
