I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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