oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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